Lyrics of My Life

Lyrics of My Life

So, I realize it's cliche and not original at all, but here are some
lyrics to some songs that express how I've been feeling lately.

Scream-Zac Efron

The day a door is closed
The echoes fill your soul
They won't say which way to go
Just trust your heart

To find you're here for
Open another door
But i'm not sure anymore
It's just so hard

Voices in my head
Tell me they know best
Got me on the edge
they're pushin', pushin',
they're pushin'
I know they've got a plan
But the ball's in my hands
This time its man-to-man,
I'm driving, fighting inside

A world that's upside down
Spinning faster
What do I do now? Without you

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

I'm kickin' down the walls
I gotta make 'em fall
Just break through them all
I'm punchin', crashin', I'm gonna
Fight to find myself
Me and no one else
Which way? I can't tell,
I'm searchin', searchin', can't find the
Road that I should take
I should! turn right or left is
It's like nothing works without you

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

Yeah, the clock's running down,
hear the crowd gettin' loud!
I'm consumed by the sound!
Is it her? Is it love?
Can the music ever be enough?
Gotta work it out, gotta work it out!
You can do it, you can do it!

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. I want my own thing!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

The In Crowd-by Mitchel Musso

Spin away the combination for the last time.
Say goodbye to this year.
I wish I could avoid the empty summer days that await me.
The fakers smile goodbye, celebrating there new freedom.
I sit alone on the couch
Wondering why,

I wonder what its like to have it all
To never be afraid that I would fall
But I dont think Ive ever known a time
That I was part of the in crowd

Here we go another day another disgrace.
Fall flat on my face,
I wish I had a bunch of money
Catch a plane head out west
Go on and play around
All full of the fans and freedom
I sit alone on the couch
Wondering why

I wonder what its like to have it all
To never be afraid that I would fall
But I dont think Ive ever known a time
That I was part of the in crowd

Doesn't anyone here live an original life
What did you surrender to be on the inside,
When you disappear they wont remember your name
And you'll fade away and someone takes your place.
Takes your place

In the in crowd

Spin away the combination for the last time
Say goodbye to this year
I wish I could avoid the empty summer days that await me
The fakers smile goodbye celebrating there new freedom
I sit alone on the couch
But I'm ready to fly

I wonder what its like to have it all
To never be afraid that I would fall
But I dont think Ive ever known a time
I wonder what its like to have it all
To never be afraid that I would fall
But I dont think Ive ever known a time
That I was part of the in crowd.

Of the in crowd
In the in crowd

I dont need anything that I cant find in me
Im alive I have been out of line at the end
Waiting for something more something new to begin
Waiting for something more someway to fit in

In the in crowd
In the in crowd

West Coast Friendship-By Owl City

Are you out there
Where the rainy days begin
To feel rather sad
And the walls are closing in
Like the darkness around me
It's so hard to look away
When the daylight doesn't ever stay
Above this dull apartment view
Oh, I will surround you

It's quite clear that I'm stuck here
So I'll devise a plan
And cut out a door in my new living room floor
The porch light is so bright
That I will quickly sneak down the dark metal shape
Of the rusty fire escape

I bought a one way ticket
Cause I knew I'd never see the ground
Unless I was aboard a jet plane
And we were going down
When I wiped the tears from my eyes
The warm water took me by surprise
And I woke up beside the ocean
I realized I must be in California

Aloha, my happy west coast friends
Do you feel alive
When the breaking waves arrive
And wash all around you
The beach homes and ocean side
Are quite well known by the evening tide
And we can sleep where we reside
With redwoods around us
The blue air is up there
And could I bring it down
I bottle it up and save it for a sweet summer night

I bought a one way ticket
Cause I knew I'd never see the ground
Unless I was aboard a jet plane
And we were going down
When I wiped the tears from my eyes
The warm water took me by surprise
And I woke up beside the ocean
I realized I must be in California
I must be in California

Am I awake or is this just a dream?

The new year is out here
And I will make a lovely list
Of your charms
So I'll never feel alone in your arms

I must be in California
I must be in California
I must be in California

Send It On-Disney's Friends for Change

A word’s just a word 'til you mean what you say.
And love, isn’t love til' u give it away.
We all gotta gift,
Yeah, something to give to make a change

Send it on
On and on
Just one hand can heal another
Be a part
Reach a heart
Just one spark starts a fire
With one little action
The chain reaction will never stop
Make us Strong
Shine a Light and Send it On

Just smile and the world will smile along with you
That small act of love
That’s meant for one will become two
If we take the chances
To change circumstances
Imagine all that we could do
If we...

Send it on
On and on
Just one hand can heal another
Be a part
Reach a heart
Just one spark starts a fire
With one little action
The chain reaction will never stop
Make us Strong
Shine a Light and Send it On
Send it on

There's Power in all the choices we make
So I'm starting now not a moment to wait

A word’s just a word 'til you mean what you say.
And love, isn’t love til' you give it away.

Send it on
On and on
Just one hand can heal another
Be a part
Reach a heart
Just one spark starts a fire
With one little action
The chain reaction will never stop
Make us Strong
Shine a Light and Send it On
Send it on

Send it on
On and on
Just one hand can heal another
Be a part
Reach a heart
Just one spark starts a fire
With one little action
The chain reaction will never stop
Make us Strong
Shine a Light and Send it On
Send it on

[ ... ]

A Prayer

A Prayer

So, I tend to get distracted when I pray, so as an alternative to the traditional prayer (you know, head bowed, eyes closed) I like to write down my prayers. This was one such prayer that came to my mind last night.

Why am I so afraid to follow you? Am I really that stubborn? Do I honestly think that I can solve my life with just myself in control? I know that I can't. I am so tired of being of two minds. One mind to follow you, God, and onother to deny the thoughts of my first.

Why is the biggest enemy that I face myself? The path to you is so clear to me, but I feel paralysed. I can see what I need to do, and where I need to go, but my body cannot take me there. I need someone to carry me there, but I cannot bring myself to overcome my pride and ask for help. Grant me that. The power to overcome my own pride, turn to you, and give all of me to you.

God, help me to approach human self like a mountain that needs to be scaled. Show me that once I reach the peak, it is going to be a lot easier to go downhill. Reveal to me the blessings they say you have in store for my life. I keep hearing of them, and every once in a while I see a glimmer, but I know those things are just gold dust compared to the treasures that you have waiting for me. Crush me in your presence, so that you can gather the pieces of my broken life and put them in the order you intended.

Strike me down , and create an entirely new person. One who is worthy to pursue you. Silence all the voices of all influences, and let me hear your voice whisper your plans to me. Don't keep me in the dark. Expose me to what you have planned for me. Please remember me. Remember the humanity that still clings to me like a disease. Remove it so that I can be closer to you.

[ ... ]

God and “Gays”: My Views on Homosexuality and Christianity

God and “Gays”: My Views on Homosexuality and Christianity

So before I begin this rant, let me give you all a little bit of my story. As many of you know, I am a Christian and have been in the church my entire life. What a lot of you don't know is that since about middle school, I have noticed that I am not attracted to girls, but rather guys. I don't refer to myself gay (although I used to) because I believe that it affirms that homosexuality in my life. Instead I refer to myself as dealing with a same sex attraction (SSA). Anyways, about seven months ago (after summer camp at Ghormly), I felt God wanted me to share what I had been going through with some of the youth leaders. I didn't want to at first, but eventually I wrote an email with my story in it to several youth staff leaders at my church. This was my first instance of really “coming out”. Needless to say, the leaders were really supportive of what I was going through and assured me that they all loved me no matter what I was like, and showed me that God still loves me too. I pray that all of you reading will think no differently of me. I'm still the same guy I've always been... Just with more issues on my plate. Anyways, after that, it was clear to me that I needed to make a conscious choice whether to follow God or pursue my attraction to other men. I chose to pursue God. I mean, after all, I had grown up in the church, and I have seen God working in miraculous ways in my life, and in the lives of many others. Anyways, over the past few months, I have been making my way through this journey, battling temptation, and steadily growing closer to God. I have learned a lot of things, and observed some odd behavior from both sides that has made me really angry, and so I felt led to write this.

Christians

I want to address Christians first. Let me start by saying thank you to all of you that have been there for me, showing me unconditional love and assuring me that God is working in my life. I guess I'll start out with my views on homosexuality from a Christian standpoint.

I want to state first and foremost that I do NOT believe that a same sex attraction (SSA) is a sin. I believe that that attraction is a temptation. I DO however believe that acting on that attraction is a sin. Let me put it this way. Attraction to someone of the same sex is just like it is for “straight” people. Is it a sin for a man to be attracted to a woman? No. Is it a sin for a man to go out and have sex with that woman before they are married? Yes. You see? The attraction isn't where the sin in a SSA lies. The sin lies in acting on that temptation.

I also want to talk about attitude. While I have been shown that there are many people out there who want to lead me towards God, and love me regardless of who I am attracted to, I have also seen many who are not. I cannot believe the amount of people who don't know that I struggle with SSA that I hear bashing gay people in or out of church. Also radical groups that say “God hates fags”. Is that really the way to win a person over to Christianity? By telling them that God hates them? I mean, sure acting on a SSA is a sin, but God will NEVER hate anyone! It's like saying “God hates people who lie” or “God hates people who don't honor their parents”. It's identifying someone by their sin, and that is wrong. To me, and to God, all sin is equal. If a person lies, they are just as much of a sinner as if a person kills another. If God truly hated “fags”, then he would hate every person with sin in their life... So essentially, in order for God to hate “fags” he would have to hate everyone. So why is it that people look at homosexuality/homosexuals with such disdain? Why are there people who are willing to go into prisons and share the love of God with convicted felons, but who are afraid to share that exact same love with someone who has a SSA? God loves everyone equally, and as Christians, it is our responsibility to show that love to others through ourselves. If you ask me, judging and putting down gays isn't very Christ-like at all. Would Jesus be rude to a gay person just because they are gay? Would he instantly jump to tell them, “You're going to hell if you don't change”? NO. No wonder people with SSA's have a biased view of Christianity... Because there are so few Christians who will actually show them that love without condemning them.

Which brings me to my next topic. Condemning. Who the heck told anyone that it was our right to condemn anyone? I mean really. That is NOT our job. I am so sick of the people that I see telling Gays about the speck in their eye when they have a log in their own. Sure acting on homosexuality is a sin... but we've all sinned, so why is their sin such a huge deal? And what right does anyone have to point out that others are sinful. I'm pretty sure that everyone knows that they are sinful. Newsflash: ALL HUMANS ARE SINFUL.

And for all of you who are out there trying to convince gays to “change their ways”, please realize that it's a lot easier to ask for change when you're not the one who's changing. Believe me, I could sit here all day and tell you to change too, but when it comes down to actually changing who you are and what you stand for, it's a lot harder to change (especially since sin is so much fun!). When you have to shake up your entire world, cut friends out of your life, stop acting a certain way, and stop living what was once your life, you cannot expect it to be easy. No, change is not an everyday thing. It's not a “go to sleep gay, wake up straight” kind of thing. It's a battle. And you can't just push someone who is unwilling to fight into a battle.

The next thing I want to address is the “why” in homosexuality. Many people think that homosexuals are born gay. I personally do not. I don't believe that God created anyone to be gay. I mean, why would God create us to be something that he doesn't want us to be? Other people say that being gay is a choice. That probably ticks me off the most. When I hear people say “Well, it's their fault! I mean, after all, being gay is a choice” I just want to punch someone in the mouth. Think about it. If being gay were a choice, then why would anyone choose to be gay? Why wouldn't people choose to be straight? Believe me, if I had a choice in which sex I was attracted to, I would choose the one that didn't make me stick out like a sore thumb. The one that made my life a whole lot easier. To me, saying it's a choice is like saying that being black is a choice. Believe me, if this was just something that I could turn on and off like a light switch, I would turn it off and never turn it back on again. No, it's not a choice. So, what is it then, you ask. My personal opinion on the matter is that it is a mixture of things. The brain is impacted by millions of things. No two people are brought up the same way, and the way that people were brought up affects how they think, act, behave, and function. I think that my SSA probably spurned from a mixture of things from my childhood, the friends I've kept, the people I've known, and probably a lot more that I can't even begin to imagine. But regardless, does it really matter why a person is attracted to the same sex? No. What matters is how they act on it, and what they do about it.

Finally, I want to state how I feel about my relationship with God, and how he stands on my SSA. I don't think that God wants me to be gay. However, I don't think it's in his plans for me to be “straight”. I think that as long as I am following God, and not giving into that SSA, I don't even need a sexual orientation. I don't feel like I need to be gay or straight. Sure I have this attraction, but if I'm following God and resisting temptation, and I feel that he will provide for me regardless of who I'm attracted to.

“Gays”

Regardless of what you call yourselves, you know who you are. People with SSA's. Let me just start out by saying I'm sorry to you for all of the crap that has been directed your way from people who call themselves Christians, but aren't living very Christ like. However, there is something to be said about tolerance for yourselves as well.

he thing that I hate most about self-proclaimed gay people is how they preach tolerance. When I first came out of the closet, I was “assured” by many that they would all still love me no matter what I chose. That nothing I could do would change their view of me. This was true for some people (largely my group of Christian friends), but not true for others. When I decided that I wanted to pursue God instead of my SSA, many of my gay friends asked me why. I told them my reasoning and almost all of them immediately dismissed it. I couldn't believe it. Were the people who were just preaching tolerance and acceptance to me just saying that as it applied to gay people? What ever happened to “whatever you choose”? I soon realized what a double standard that people had. “Sure I'll support you if you're gay... But not if you're Christian”. That's about when I realized that there was only room for either Christianity or homosexuality in my life. Neither could successfully exist while the other was around. So I decided to go with what had always been there for me; a God who loved me, and a community who was mature enough to accept me regardless of the struggles and conflicts that I was going through.

Another thing I wanted to address is stereotyping. For a group of people who are bent on achieving equality and being treated fair, I have to say that I have probably heard the most bashing on Christians coming from the mouths of people who have a SSA. You'd think that you'd know how hurtful it is to be thought of as different an crazy at times. I can however see why you might stereotype us Christians. Please do not be influenced by what you see in the media. I can assure you that the majority of Christians (at least the ones I know) are NOT Bible thumping, “God hates fags”-sign-toting morons who are out to get you to “repent for your wicked ways”. Think of it like this. The media portrays gay guys as a bunch of lisping guys who wear tight clothes and spend all day drinking fruity drinks and being flamboyant. The media portrays Christians as being a bunch of insane, holier-than-thou folks who spend all day reading the Bible and going door to door trying to get people to “repent”. In either case, it's not an accurate description at all. The next time a Christian starts talking to you about something tied into religion, don't immediately shut them out because they are a Christian. Try listening to what they have to say. It might be good advice, even if you have no interest in becoming a Christian.

I also just want to stress how much God loves you, and how much I love you. No matter what ANYONE tells you, God doesn't hate people with SSA's. Please know that God is unconditional love, and that He will ALWAYS love you, no matter what you choose or what you do. I get so mad when I hear people saying “God hates fags” because it is just such a lie. I think of it like this. If God created everyone, why would he hate his own creation? He wouldn't. No matter who you are, God loves you with all of His being. You might not believe it, but I pray that someday you'll know that this is true.

Anyways, that's just my two cents. Things that I have noticed from both sides. If you or someone you know has a SSA and agree with some of the things I am saying, try checking this site out: http://exodusyouth.net/ . It's a great site with a ton of resources from people like you and me who have gone through, or are struggling with a SSA and are Christians.

Well, I hope this has sparked thoughts in everyone who read this far. I might add more to this post from time to time, and I'll try to respond to comments promptly. Thanks for reading!

Sincerely,

David Butler Jr.

[ ... ]

My Story

My Story

After hearing the tragic story of Sean Kinney, a young man in my high school who committed suicide partly due to the stress of struggling with homosexuality, I found myself wondering if things may have been different if maybe I had been able to share my story with him. Then I realized that, while many people know about my struggle with a same sex attraction, not too many people know my story. His was such a sad story that I felt compelled to write this, knowing that there are others (including myself) who have felt the way he did. I know that no one should ever have to feel the pain that was witnessed by Sean, and I pray that by writing this, I might be able to impact at least one life in a way that I was never able to before.

I suppose that I could start out with a cliche phrase like "for as long as I can remember", but in all honesty, I think it was about eighth grade that I began to notice that I was attracted to guys.  I pretty much stayed in denial about my feelings (afraid that if I embraced my feelings, I would become full on homosexual and abandon my Christianity for sure), until about my freshman/sophomore year.  I still hadn't told anyone about myself up until this point, except for my friend Luke.  This was when I got pretty heavily involved with porn.  Like most people with an addiction, I was confident that I could quit anytime I wanted.  Yeah... I was wrong.  Soon my lust moved onto the next level, and I became infatuated with talking to other guys online.  Needless to say this soon led me down a path I wish I had never taken, (not to mention conversations with many people who began to enable my homosexual thoughts).  

About halfway through my junior year, I started dating a good friend of mine, Beth.  I had told her before we started dating about my feelings for guys...  Never the less, our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship began. I guess I hoped that if I dated a girl, particularly a good Christian girl like Beth, that somehow I could overcome being gay.  Once again I was wrong.  I have always had a certain attraction to girls, but that attraction has always been more emotional than physical.  During our relationship, my infatuation with other guys, along with my addiction to porn, grew, unknown to Beth.  I feel so bad about it now, but at the time, I was so wrapped up in things that I never realised how bad things had gotten.  I can only pray that she forgives me.  After about seven months of dating, Beth finally broke things off with me, saying that she didn't think that it was the right time in her life to be in a relationship.  Initially, I was crushed, but looking back, I can now see how right she was.  

Near the end of our relationship, I finally came out, and told my parents that I thought I was gay.  They took it well, not knowing the whole story, and like any good Christian parents, they tried to convince me to keep my mind open to what God has for me, and stated that while I may see myself as gay, that they are confident that is not the plan that God has for my life.  Needless to say, this brought about some very awkward conversations with them.  Telling them at first was extremely scary and painful, but I am really glad that I did, because it has opened doors of communication that we use to this day.  I felt like my parents and I never really talked much about my struggle at first, but I can see now how hard it was for them to come to terms with what I am dealing with. 

After Beth and I broke up, and I looked at it as an opportunity to maybe find a boyfriend (which I never really got around to).  In hindsight, I am really glad that I didn't get a boyfriend, because that would have just made things way worse at that time in my life.  Toward the end of my junior year, I stopped talking to guys online, but my addiction to porn still thrived.  Soon it was almost time for summer Ghormley 08.  In the few weeks before camp, I put off looking at porn (purely to make myself feel better about being a "Christian".)  The night before camp, my sister Sara and I began talking, and she asked me if I was gay. Reluctantly (we had some bad experiences in the past with this sort of thing), I told her yes.  

At camp, I blew off most of the leaders that wanted to talk, solely because I was too afraid to talk with anyone face to face about my situation.  On the second day of camp, I was approached by Sara, who said that Dena (a camp counselor and leader at our church) had asked her if I were gay.  Not knowing what to do, Sara just shrugged.  After she told me this, I knew that I should have a talk with Dena.  After service that night, Dena and I had a talk on the stage of the chapel.  I explained to her that I consider myself gay, (which I am confident that she had figured out by that point), but I didn't really tell her much beyond that.

All in all, it really helped me to have someone to talk to, and to explain where I was at.  One thing that I did take home from camp was a word that I kept hearing over and over...Accountability.  Then I realized... it is awful hard for someone to keep you accountable, when they don't know what is going on in your life.  And that is when I decided to write an email.  I wrote an email to a handful of staff members at my church (which was basically this blog in less detail).  By writing that email, I began to establish a group of Christian mentors who, to this day, still help keep me accountable.  After camp, I destroyed my collection of porn, and swore to myself that it would never again get a hold on me.  Needless to say, porn is still a struggle that I have in my life.  

Senior year began, and it was even more difficult than junior year.  Sure, junior year was tough with coming out and all, but there is also a certain relief that comes with 'coming out'.  It feels good to know that you have someone to help you share the burden.  But as I moved on to senior year, I began to realize that no longer was my struggle about telling someone. No.  Now it was about acting on the decisions I had made.  Soon, winter camp at Ghormley rolled around, and I began to know what it felt like to truly be a Christian.  I found myself begging and pleading God to be someone that I could change to fit my needs.  It was after talking with a friend of mine (Haven) that I began to realize that God isn't someone that you change.  His will is not something that you barter with, or try and change.  You either accept and pursue it, or you do not.  During camp I had some pretty powerful revelations, and this is when I began to journal my thoughts (something I should do far more often than I do).  Then camp ended, and I became involved with student leadership training, or SLT at our youth group FOS.  I felt like I had made some real ground, but soon I was back to what felt like my starting position.  Around this time I had some slip ups with porn, but was able to pick myself back up an get myself on course again.  During this time, Jake Gamble was a HUGE help.  Having a guy that I could interact with in a healthy and spiritual way was such a blessing in my life.  

About three-quarters of the way into my senior year, my parents suggested that I start seeing a counselor.  Initially, I was opposed to the idea, but soon I became familiar enough with it to say "why not?".  I began to see a counselor (Becky Cox) who deals with issues and cases such as mine.  Talking to her was such a relief.  During our sessions, I feel like I really get a chance to be heard, and express honestly how I am feeling.  I have also come to many realizations in my sessions with Dr. Cox.  One such realization is that I am often times angry at, and feel abandoned by God.  A few sessions in, I was able to express my position on God, faith, Christianity, and homosexuality in a blog that I posted on Facebook and Myspace (and I will soon post on this blog) called '"Gays" and God; My Views On Christianity and Homosexuality.  I really feel like this post helped me establish where I am in terms of who I want to be.  After posting this blog, I got LOADS of feedback (mostly from Christians) which was almost all (surprisingly) positive.  I shared this with Dr. Cox, who I am told has also shared it with a few of her other patients.  After writing this, I experienced a HUGE boost to my morale, along with a sense of accomplishment, and the feeling of being closer with God.  

Which brings me to a few weeks ago.  Newtons law states that what goes up, must come down.  I guess I thought that this only applied to physical objects, but apparently it applies spiritually too.  I spent the last few weeks of my life extremely bitter and depressed.  I stumbled and fell once again with porn (but was able to pick myself up again with the help of quite a few people), and began to feel alone and abandoned by God.  After all, I had been fighting homosexuality for quite some time now, and I was still not over it.  I began to feel down, began wondering where God was.  I had been fighting this whole fight for him, and now it seemed that he was nowhere to be found.  I spiraled downward when I began to think of relationships.  What if I am never over this whole "gay" thing?  Will I ever be able to settle down with someone I love?  Will I ever have a family, or will I be doomed to be alone forever, just because I followed what I felt was the path that God had laid before me. Soon, I was full on depressed.  I never really showed it at school, work, or home, but I began to feel as though I was rotting from the inside out.  

After a while of sitting in depression, looking for hope, and seeing no light, I began to delve into a part of me that I hope I never see again.  Many of you may not know this, but I am clinically diagnosed as "depressed" or suffering from "depression".  I am medicated for it, but that didn't seem to be helping much at all.  Soon I began to have thoughts of cutting myself.  I guess I felt that if I could do that, then somehow the pain and guilt I felt from my sin would be manifested in a physical way, and after associating that physical pain with sin, I would just stop sinning.  It sounds so stupid now, but at the time, I honestly felt like it would have been a good outlet.  As my depression spiraled onward, I soon began having thoughts of suicide.  I felt utterly alone, rejected, and cast away. Actually seeing myself considering suicide scared me a lot, so at that point, I decided that it was time for me to make an appointment with my doctor, and have him adjust my medication (which I did).

After talking with a bunch of people about my life (most of which didn't know quite how badly I was feeling at the time), I kept hearing the same advice.  "Why not read your Bible?".  I was sick of hearing it.  I became bitter and felt like lashing out at the church. I felt like everyone was giving me the same advice that I had been hearing all along, and none of it helped in the least.  I didn't take any ones advice until one day, I was fed up, angry, and desperate.  Bitterly, I opened my Bible around Psalm 40 (a passage of scripture recommended to me by Jake).  I began to read, and then discovered that while all the people had been giving me the same advice, I was just too stubborn to accept that it was actually good advice.  

The only reason that I had been wallowing in my own desperation is because I was too pig headed to move on and follow their advice.  I began reading about King David (irony at its best, yes?) who had felt exactly the way that I had been feeling.  Alone.  Desperate.  Rejected and scorned by God.  It helped me a lot when I realized that it was okay to feel that way.  That even King David (a man after Gods own heart, no less) had the same feelings that I did.  It was a relief to know that I was not alone.  That others had walked down the same path that I was walking in, and had left notes.

Which is where I am going to conclude my tale thus far.  After all, it is still a work in progress.  I like to view this post as the prequel.  The prologue if you will.  I am sure that there will be several more posts like this to follow, but until then, I look forward to seeing what God has planned for my life.  

Please note that if anyone who is reading this is sharing some of the same feelings or experiences that I have, PLEASE  feel free to talk to me.  I have been in some very dark corners, and no one should have to experience the feelings of desolation, abandonment, or depression.  For any reason at all, please feel free comment on this post, or to email me at thebutl3r at gmail.com.  My hopes and prayers are with anyone who might be sharing this struggle with me, and please know that no matter how rough things get, suicide is never the answer.  

With Sincerity,

-David  

P.S.-If you are into reading the Bible, and you feel like I did, here are a few verses that might help.

-Psalm 77

-Psalm 51

-Psalm 55:1-8

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