So, I realize that it has been a while since I have written a blog... I started one on dating a while back, but it didn't end up conveying things quite as strongly as I had hoped. It's still a work in progress. Anyways, the purpose of this post is to update on what life has been bringing me lately.
I guess I'll start at camp. Ghormley was amazing. I'm not really a huge fan of Paul Conway (I'm sure he's a great guy, but I don't really like his preaching style), but I ended up getting a lot from this camp. I felt like I ended up getting more from connecting with the leaders from FOS, as well as the amazing "breakout sessions". A while ago, I posted that I felt like God wanted me to stay in Olympia for a while more. I realize now that this was just the tip of the iceberg that comprises His plans for my life. While we were at camp, I feel that God really revealed the next part of His plan for my life. Leadership. When I first began to feel that was the direction that God wanted me to go, I was down trodden. In one of my journal entries, I wrote
"I really hate the idea of leadership. To me, it entails a lot of responsibility, hard work, and dedication. Plus it would probably mean staying in Olympia longer than I wanted. Leadership has very little appeal to me. It scares me to think of the kids I could impact. It's not that I am afraid of the kids, but rather myself. What if I give bad advice? I am clueless. I am so flawed. to me, being a leader entails being someone students can look up to. How can I do that when I am so flawed? I am not someone to look up to. I am someone who is barely making it work. How can I be a leader when I am still so dependent on leadership myself? I don't see myself as a leader, but I know that God isn't wrong. This is so far out of my comfort zone. I don't want to do this. I despise it. But I know God wants me to."
It was funny. That very night, Olivia Kelsh spoke at pre-service prayer... She said "If God is doing anything in your life this weekend and you are scared of it, don't be. Follow it. He knows what He's doing." That really hit me in the heart. Since camp, I have realized that I can't run away from leadership. It is God's plan for this part of my life. And through talking with various leaders at FOS, I have found peace in what God wants me to do. Since camp, I have had a couple talks with Andrew Murch about leadership, and I have been wading into the waters of leadership. I feel like God is telling me that He is going to submerse me into the role of a leader very quickly. And I have seen that.
Since camp, I have found that various forms of leadership are being brought to me. Out of the blue I will get a text from a friend I haven't talked to for a while, asking me to listen or for advice. People that I haven't seen since school got out will call me up and let me know that they are praying for me. All of a sudden, praying for others seems more important and more gratifying than praying for myself. Also, I have found that it is easier to take that initiative and to make choices that reflect leadership. Sitting next to a kid in Studio who is sitting alone, or branching out at FOS. God has really taken that fear that I had of leadership and turned it around.
Yes. Camp was amazing... But things didn't stop there. On the way back from camp, I had a great conversation with Daniel O'Brien (one of the FOS interns from Boston). The funny thing about Daniel is that when I first met him, I couldn't stand him. Then we got to talking and I realized just how on fire for God this guy was. We had a great conversation about the Holy Spirit on the bus.
A couple days after camp, I had a spiritual revelation. If you have read many of my past posts, you'll know how I feel about the possibility of marriage in my life. I have always held the mentality that if God wants to change me and take away my same sex attraction, He will, but I never really saw it happening. Well, my mentality on that all changed one day at work. I was working and for some reason, God just put in my heart this spark. I felt like he was revealing to me that it wasn't so impossible for me to be free of this same sex attraction. The only thing keeping me from a relationship with a woman is my lust for men. And then I realized that it was just lust. I know plenty of great Christian men who have struggled with lust in their youth, and who have overcome it and gone on to have a healthy relationship with their spouse. I feel like God promised me that there was hope for me. That made me feel so good. I hope and pray that God takes that spark in me, and ignites it into a flame.
After that, I had this period of time where I felt completely submersed in God. I wrote a journal entry about it.
"I don't want to forget this day. This moment. This feeling. Today was a good day. For most of the day I have been covered by what I can only really describe as a security blanket of God. I am at this point where I feel like I have been fighting [homosexuality, lust, etc] so hard and now God has given me this opportunity to take a breather. To take a break. He has really impressed upon my heart a feeling of peace. I am able to rest easy knowing that He is in control of it all. I have heard people say that "God is good" before, but I have always seen that as a phrase instead of a feeling. I can feel it now. God IS good! I have seen people cry before when they are happy. I get that now. Earlier today I almost began to cry when I could feel God telling me to rest. I am so happy. I keep smiling for no reason. I feel like I am safe in his hands and that nothing can ever hurt me. I know that He is watching me and loving me. And I love him! Thank you for it all God!"
That was such a good day! I could feel that I was making progress in my walk with the Lord. Apparently I wasn't the only one that could feel that though... A few days later, out of the blue I got a feeling. It felt like I had fifty demons squeezing my heart. Attacking me with every cheap little trick that they had. I was depressed. I knew that it was from the devil, and I knew that I couldn't fight it alone. So I decided to text some good men of God and ask for prayer. One of the guys that I texted was Daniel O'Brien. He responded by saying we should get together and pray that night... Reluctantly, I accepted. We ended up going to Barns and Noble, getting coffee, and talking. While we talked he addressed some good points that I had never realized about my life. One of those points was the lie of homosexuality in my life. He said that it was a lie that Satan had been feeding me, and I came to realize I had been accepting it. I initially didn't agree with that, but then I began to think. I know that God didn't make me attracted to men. I also know that I don't want to be attracted to other guys. So if it is not of God, and it is not from me, who else could it have come from? Another thing that we addressed was fear.
Daniel spoke about it, and I came to realize that fear is also not from God. I also began to realize how much control fear has over my life. I look at the things (like leadership) that God has planned for life... And then I realized how at one point, I was afraid of them. Which is what made me realize that fear is not from God, but rather from Satan. If God wants me to do something, why would he make me afraid of me? He wouldn't. Satan would. Fear is what Satan uses in my life to keep me from following God's plan. I realize now that fear has had such a grip on my life. In order for me to do what God has planned for me, I must follow him in the midst of fear, and only then will I be free of the fear that Satan puts in my life.
As we were talking, we also got to talking about ministry. I began to feel like that is something that God might be calling me towards. That tied directly into fear. I have never seen myself as having a career in ministry. I have never wanted a career in ministry. I guess I am also afraid of a calling in ministry... But that is something that I will have to overcome in my life in order to do what God is asking for me. That night, Daniel and I also made a covenant with each other. Among other things, I made a commitment that I would begin doing devotionals, spend the next year of my life finding my identity as a child of God, and spend the next year of my life being involved in leadership and ministry. We agreed to doing this while having constant contact with one another.
Later that night, Daniel and I also prayed together. We began to focus again on the Holy Spirit and being baptized in it. Being baptized in the Holy Spirit is something that I want for my life, but it is something that has yet to happen. And it still didn't happen that night... But I feel like I came closer to God in any case. As I've started doing devotionals, I have been reading through a chapter of the Bible every day and dissecting it in my journal. Yesterday I chose Joshua chapter 1. It was a story that I have heard many times, but it struck a new light to me yesterday. I began looking at the promised land in a different way. God promised it to the Jews, but ultimately they weren't able to claim it until they overcame their fears and did what he asked of them, right? Is my life really so different?
I feel like God has promised me freedom from my struggle with homosexuality, as well as possibly the gift of marriage, yet I am afraid of what God is asking me to do. I am afraid of getting involved in ministry. It isn't my plan but rather God's. So maybe if I am wanting to claim that which He has promised me, I need to conquer those fears and run after what God has placed in my life. Also, a passage stood out to me. Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." That verse really hit me hard. It sounded like God was talking straight to me... Hmmmm...
