After hearing the tragic story of Sean Kinney, a young man in my high school who committed suicide partly due to the stress of struggling with homosexuality, I found myself wondering if things may have been different if maybe I had been able to share my story with him. Then I realized that, while many people know about my struggle with a same sex attraction, not too many people know my story. His was such a sad story that I felt compelled to write this, knowing that there are others (including myself) who have felt the way he did. I know that no one should ever have to feel the pain that was witnessed by Sean, and I pray that by writing this, I might be able to impact at least one life in a way that I was never able to before.
I suppose that I could start out with a cliche phrase like "for as long as I can remember", but in all honesty, I think it was about eighth grade that I began to notice that I was attracted to guys. I pretty much stayed in denial about my feelings (afraid that if I embraced my feelings, I would become full on homosexual and abandon my Christianity for sure), until about my freshman/sophomore year. I still hadn't told anyone about myself up until this point, except for my friend Luke. This was when I got pretty heavily involved with porn. Like most people with an addiction, I was confident that I could quit anytime I wanted. Yeah... I was wrong. Soon my lust moved onto the next level, and I became infatuated with talking to other guys online. Needless to say this soon led me down a path I wish I had never taken, (not to mention conversations with many people who began to enable my homosexual thoughts).
About halfway through my junior year, I started dating a good friend of mine, Beth. I had told her before we started dating about my feelings for guys... Never the less, our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship began. I guess I hoped that if I dated a girl, particularly a good Christian girl like Beth, that somehow I could overcome being gay. Once again I was wrong. I have always had a certain attraction to girls, but that attraction has always been more emotional than physical. During our relationship, my infatuation with other guys, along with my addiction to porn, grew, unknown to Beth. I feel so bad about it now, but at the time, I was so wrapped up in things that I never realised how bad things had gotten. I can only pray that she forgives me. After about seven months of dating, Beth finally broke things off with me, saying that she didn't think that it was the right time in her life to be in a relationship. Initially, I was crushed, but looking back, I can now see how right she was.
Near the end of our relationship, I finally came out, and told my parents that I thought I was gay. They took it well, not knowing the whole story, and like any good Christian parents, they tried to convince me to keep my mind open to what God has for me, and stated that while I may see myself as gay, that they are confident that is not the plan that God has for my life. Needless to say, this brought about some very awkward conversations with them. Telling them at first was extremely scary and painful, but I am really glad that I did, because it has opened doors of communication that we use to this day. I felt like my parents and I never really talked much about my struggle at first, but I can see now how hard it was for them to come to terms with what I am dealing with.
After Beth and I broke up, and I looked at it as an opportunity to maybe find a boyfriend (which I never really got around to). In hindsight, I am really glad that I didn't get a boyfriend, because that would have just made things way worse at that time in my life. Toward the end of my junior year, I stopped talking to guys online, but my addiction to porn still thrived. Soon it was almost time for summer Ghormley 08. In the few weeks before camp, I put off looking at porn (purely to make myself feel better about being a "Christian".) The night before camp, my sister Sara and I began talking, and she asked me if I was gay. Reluctantly (we had some bad experiences in the past with this sort of thing), I told her yes.
At camp, I blew off most of the leaders that wanted to talk, solely because I was too afraid to talk with anyone face to face about my situation. On the second day of camp, I was approached by Sara, who said that Dena (a camp counselor and leader at our church) had asked her if I were gay. Not knowing what to do, Sara just shrugged. After she told me this, I knew that I should have a talk with Dena. After service that night, Dena and I had a talk on the stage of the chapel. I explained to her that I consider myself gay, (which I am confident that she had figured out by that point), but I didn't really tell her much beyond that.
All in all, it really helped me to have someone to talk to, and to explain where I was at. One thing that I did take home from camp was a word that I kept hearing over and over...Accountability. Then I realized... it is awful hard for someone to keep you accountable, when they don't know what is going on in your life. And that is when I decided to write an email. I wrote an email to a handful of staff members at my church (which was basically this blog in less detail). By writing that email, I began to establish a group of Christian mentors who, to this day, still help keep me accountable. After camp, I destroyed my collection of porn, and swore to myself that it would never again get a hold on me. Needless to say, porn is still a struggle that I have in my life.
Senior year began, and it was even more difficult than junior year. Sure, junior year was tough with coming out and all, but there is also a certain relief that comes with 'coming out'. It feels good to know that you have someone to help you share the burden. But as I moved on to senior year, I began to realize that no longer was my struggle about telling someone. No. Now it was about acting on the decisions I had made. Soon, winter camp at Ghormley rolled around, and I began to know what it felt like to truly be a Christian. I found myself begging and pleading God to be someone that I could change to fit my needs. It was after talking with a friend of mine (Haven) that I began to realize that God isn't someone that you change. His will is not something that you barter with, or try and change. You either accept and pursue it, or you do not. During camp I had some pretty powerful revelations, and this is when I began to journal my thoughts (something I should do far more often than I do). Then camp ended, and I became involved with student leadership training, or SLT at our youth group FOS. I felt like I had made some real ground, but soon I was back to what felt like my starting position. Around this time I had some slip ups with porn, but was able to pick myself back up an get myself on course again. During this time, Jake Gamble was a HUGE help. Having a guy that I could interact with in a healthy and spiritual way was such a blessing in my life.
About three-quarters of the way into my senior year, my parents suggested that I start seeing a counselor. Initially, I was opposed to the idea, but soon I became familiar enough with it to say "why not?". I began to see a counselor (Becky Cox) who deals with issues and cases such as mine. Talking to her was such a relief. During our sessions, I feel like I really get a chance to be heard, and express honestly how I am feeling. I have also come to many realizations in my sessions with Dr. Cox. One such realization is that I am often times angry at, and feel abandoned by God. A few sessions in, I was able to express my position on God, faith, Christianity, and homosexuality in a blog that I posted on Facebook and Myspace (and I will soon post on this blog) called '"Gays" and God; My Views On Christianity and Homosexuality. I really feel like this post helped me establish where I am in terms of who I want to be. After posting this blog, I got LOADS of feedback (mostly from Christians) which was almost all (surprisingly) positive. I shared this with Dr. Cox, who I am told has also shared it with a few of her other patients. After writing this, I experienced a HUGE boost to my morale, along with a sense of accomplishment, and the feeling of being closer with God.
Which brings me to a few weeks ago. Newtons law states that what goes up, must come down. I guess I thought that this only applied to physical objects, but apparently it applies spiritually too. I spent the last few weeks of my life extremely bitter and depressed. I stumbled and fell once again with porn (but was able to pick myself up again with the help of quite a few people), and began to feel alone and abandoned by God. After all, I had been fighting homosexuality for quite some time now, and I was still not over it. I began to feel down, began wondering where God was. I had been fighting this whole fight for him, and now it seemed that he was nowhere to be found. I spiraled downward when I began to think of relationships. What if I am never over this whole "gay" thing? Will I ever be able to settle down with someone I love? Will I ever have a family, or will I be doomed to be alone forever, just because I followed what I felt was the path that God had laid before me. Soon, I was full on depressed. I never really showed it at school, work, or home, but I began to feel as though I was rotting from the inside out.
After a while of sitting in depression, looking for hope, and seeing no light, I began to delve into a part of me that I hope I never see again. Many of you may not know this, but I am clinically diagnosed as "depressed" or suffering from "depression". I am medicated for it, but that didn't seem to be helping much at all. Soon I began to have thoughts of cutting myself. I guess I felt that if I could do that, then somehow the pain and guilt I felt from my sin would be manifested in a physical way, and after associating that physical pain with sin, I would just stop sinning. It sounds so stupid now, but at the time, I honestly felt like it would have been a good outlet. As my depression spiraled onward, I soon began having thoughts of suicide. I felt utterly alone, rejected, and cast away. Actually seeing myself considering suicide scared me a lot, so at that point, I decided that it was time for me to make an appointment with my doctor, and have him adjust my medication (which I did).
After talking with a bunch of people about my life (most of which didn't know quite how badly I was feeling at the time), I kept hearing the same advice. "Why not read your Bible?". I was sick of hearing it. I became bitter and felt like lashing out at the church. I felt like everyone was giving me the same advice that I had been hearing all along, and none of it helped in the least. I didn't take any ones advice until one day, I was fed up, angry, and desperate. Bitterly, I opened my Bible around Psalm 40 (a passage of scripture recommended to me by Jake). I began to read, and then discovered that while all the people had been giving me the same advice, I was just too stubborn to accept that it was actually good advice.
The only reason that I had been wallowing in my own desperation is because I was too pig headed to move on and follow their advice. I began reading about King David (irony at its best, yes?) who had felt exactly the way that I had been feeling. Alone. Desperate. Rejected and scorned by God. It helped me a lot when I realized that it was okay to feel that way. That even King David (a man after Gods own heart, no less) had the same feelings that I did. It was a relief to know that I was not alone. That others had walked down the same path that I was walking in, and had left notes.
Which is where I am going to conclude my tale thus far. After all, it is still a work in progress. I like to view this post as the prequel. The prologue if you will. I am sure that there will be several more posts like this to follow, but until then, I look forward to seeing what God has planned for my life.
Please note that if anyone who is reading this is sharing some of the same feelings or experiences that I have, PLEASE feel free to talk to me. I have been in some very dark corners, and no one should have to experience the feelings of desolation, abandonment, or depression. For any reason at all, please feel free comment on this post, or to email me at thebutl3r at gmail.com. My hopes and prayers are with anyone who might be sharing this struggle with me, and please know that no matter how rough things get, suicide is never the answer.
With Sincerity,
-David
P.S.-If you are into reading the Bible, and you feel like I did, here are a few verses that might help.
-Psalm 77
-Psalm 51
-Psalm 55:1-8
